Recognizing Relationship
Warning Signs
By Vince Lindgren
Conflict in any relationship is normal. However, when conflict is unresolved, it can make it difficult for two people to continue their relationship. Typically, conflict has four recognizable stages or levels of intensity. Recognizing these stages can assist couples in taking action before reaching the final solution of dividing the property and assets.
During the first stage, tension develops in the relationship regarding any number of issues. These issues might include disagreements regarding finances, division of labor, intimacy, respect, behavioral quirks, etc. For instance, one partner may be irritated because he/she picks up the house more often than the other partner does. These disagreements are normal, and each couple negotiates how they will handle these conflicts. If a resolution to the conflict is attained, the relational tension abates.
However, if an area of conflict is not resolved, the topic may become a taboo subject within the relationship. The second stage of conflict is the decision to stop talking about the topic of disagreement. This occurs when attempts to discuss the topic prove to be fruitless. That is, either no behavioral change is forthcoming, or any discussion of the issue quickly ends in anger and/or hurt feelings.
If one partner hurts the other partner by repeatedly not sharing information that is deemed important; this can lead to the third stage, resentment. Resentment is the end result of repeated disappointment. The person who is resentful distances him/herself emotionally and shares little information regarding his/her thinking. Sometimes, both partners feel resentful at the same time, which only intensifies the relational strain. The person who routinely doesn’t know what his/her partner is thinking or feeling, has a relationship that is in serious trouble. If this continues long enough, often one partner will without warning demand a trial separation or a termination of the relationship.
Although resentment is a difficult stage, a more intense fourth stage of unforgiveness can, and often does occur. In this stage, one partner has crossed over (in the other partner’s mind) from being a misguided person to being "bad". During this stage, a civil conversation regarding even non-controversial topics often becomes impossible. If one or both partners do something the other considers unforgivable, trust and respect are not possible. Forgiveness, although possible at this stage, is often not considered as an option.
The difficulty is that many people become inured to relational conflict over time. That is, they accept ongoing tension as a normal part of their relationship that will never be any different. Some couples maintain an uneasy truce with each other, telling themselves "If we are not raising our voices to each other, things are going relatively well." Most people cannot maintain an uneasy truce indefinitely. An awareness of these four stages can help a person recognize the severity of relational conflict and intervene before it is too late.
Heading off the downward spiral described herein occurs through honest open communication. Some people can recognize this decline, resolve to talk about the relationship problem, and work it out. Other people have difficulty helping themselves due to the loss of objectivity resulting from blame and anger. Self help is particularly difficult once couples have reached the resentment stage. In these cases, the professional assistance of a couples therapist may be necessary. Many couples do recognize the warning signs of worsening couple’s conflict, and subsequently interrupt the cycle.