by Vince Lindgren
Aretha Franklin had it right when she sang about needing respect from her man. Good relationships are built on mutual respect for one another. This is a simple premise in theory, but deceptively difficult to achieve in practice. Many people start marriage or long term relationships with the idea that they can mold the other into a "good" mate. Of course, the couples who give up on this idea early on in their relationship have a good chance of succeeding.
No one marries the ideal mate. Everyone wishes his/her mate were different in some way. For example, the wish might be that the other was more social, or that he/she was more organized, or that he/she was more open with thoughts and feelings. Although people can act in a way that is outside of their character, no one can actually be different. Therefore, a person who is not particularly expressive can learn how to communicate his/her basic emotional experiences to his/her partner. However, this same person will likely never become a highly expressive individual.
Many relationships get into trouble because one or both parties have unrealistic expectations of the other. That is, one partner expects the other to be different from his/her true nature. This unrealistic expectation communicates a lack of respect towards the other partner. Continued pressing for change that is not possible eventually leads to divorce and/or bitterness.
Oftentimes, a middle ground is possible in a relationship. Dropping the insistence for change that is not possible in the first place can dramatically improve the quality of a couple’s relationship. Also, although a change in character is impossible, often relatively minor behavioral changes can put a relationship back on track. Thinking about the relationship in a different way can allow both partners to enjoy the respect they want, and need, to have a good relationship.
The serenity prayer suggests the proper attitude for a respectful relationship: "Grant me the courage to change the things I can change, the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference."
Sometimes, couples experiencing relationship difficulties can make the transformation to mutual respect on their own. Other times, they need the assistance of a trained couples therapist. If you wish to consult a professional, call Vince Lindgren at Ph: (701) 239-6140.