Picking
Up the Pieces:
After the Breakup
by Vince Lindgren
When a marriage deteriorates due to intense conflict or lack of trust, many people think of marriage therapy as way of restoring peace and harmony in the relationship. Marriage therapy can be very helpful to some couples. However, some relationships have deteriorated too far to be salvaged. At that point, many couples choose to divorce rather than stay in a relationship that is not nourishing them. They reason that their life would be better if they discontinued their association with their partner.
Ultimately, this may be the right decision; however, divorce can set into motion a host of problems that people do not anticipate. When post-divorce problems arise, most people need the assistance of a third party (i.e. friends, relatives, and/or a therapist) to sort out the kaleidoscope of emotions experienced, and make realistic plans for moving forward in life. Understanding some of the common post-divorce effects can prepare an individual for the challenge of picking up the pieces after the breakup.
What are some of the potential problems? A common problem for many divorced couples is unresolved anger. Even though they relate to each other on a less frequent basis, they may spend much time ruminating about the insensitive and cruel ways in which their partner treated them when they were together. Unresolved anger can consume a ton of psychic energy. Not only are angry people very unhappy, but anger can place serious limitations on important areas such as physical health and objective thinking.
People with unresolved anger have a difficult time being creative and flexible in many areas of their life. For instance, small problems at work may become major issues. Or pent up anger can lead to irritability with friends, or having less patience with children. This is a big reason why divorce settlements can be so messy and protracted. Although there are cases where one or both partners want the other "to pay" for pain and suffering, often the difficulty in reaching a settlement is a result of one or both partners not being able to think clearly due to persistent feelings of hurt and anger. Learning to let go of anger may be the single most important task for many people following a divorce. Anger can be a powerful motivator in deciding to leave a destructive relationship, but chronic anger can be crippling.
Another problem that can occur as a result of divorce is depression. Many people think, "Why would I be depressed? I am getting rid of the source of my problems." Although a divorce may result in positive outcomes, it also involves many losses. Losses may include financial and lifestyle loss, loss of hopes and dreams, loss of friends (especially friends known and socialized with as a couple), loss of family life, etc. Oftentimes divorced individuals even miss specific qualities of their ex-spouse (e.g. the loyalty the other displayed towards friends, or the other’s sense of humor). Depression is a common occurrence following a significant loss.
Depression can result in things like tiredness / lack of energy, sadness, loss of appetite or a bottomless appetite, lack of motivation, isolation from friends and family, drug and alcohol problems, self blame and self doubt. It is not difficult to see how any one or a combination of these symptoms can result in a decreased quality of life.
Many people experience adjustment problems as a result of divorce. Adjustment problems can be as mundane as having to learn how to run a washing machine. Or, they can be as thorny as figuring how to relate to the world as a single person, after years of socializing as a couple. Sometimes people become overwhelmed by the sheer number of changes that a divorce precipitates. Although many people manage to figure out these adjustment conundrums, some people become stuck in the unfairness of the changes they are forced to make. If a person refuses to accept these changes, it is difficult to move on.
Any combination of unresolved anger, loss, and multiple life changes can severely stress a person’s physical system. It is not uncommon for post-divorce individuals to develop some persistent and challenging health problems such as immune system problems or allergies. Although these health problems are not caused by the divorce and its related stressors, the person who learns to deal with these stressors can often prevent or diminish the occurrence of significant health issues.
The problems of divorcing and post-divorce couples are only complicated if they have children together. The challenge for the divorced couple with children is figuring out how to agree about parenting decisions when they couldn’t agree on anything else. Children often experience the pain of divorce even more intensely than their parents do. But children are very resilient; and with the support of their parents, they can mourn the loss(es) and re-engage fully in life.
However, the emotional support that children need post-divorce demands the cooperation of both parents to be effective. Physical and psychological safety is a critical element in healthy child development. If the executive function of their family unit is in disarray because their parents are fighting, children become frightened. Fear interrupts the child’s ability to cope with loss, and potentially can lead to either acting out behaviors or social withdrawal. Even if parents are not overtly hostile to each other, children can become severely stressed by the pressures of divided loyalties. Divorced parents may think that conflicts with their ex-spouse are limited to that relationship, and are unaware of the fear and uncertainty these conflicts engender in their children.
Although many people see divorce as a chance to start a new life, it can also be the start of a whole host of problems as well. Some people are able to navigate these problems and adjustments with the help of family and friends. Other people need the assistance of a trained professional. In these cases, divorce therapy may be indicated, and quite helpful in assisting the divorced partners to get their life back on track. A supportive third party is crucial during this time due to the intensity of emotion surrounding divorce. These intense feelings often make objective thinking and rational decision making extremely difficult, at best. A listening ear can greatly assist the divorced individual to regain his/her balance during this difficult time.